Blood Orange Heaven
October 21st, 2011
Imagine a heaven. Your typical visualization may include angels with rather attractive bodies, luscious apples, fluffy clouds, and so on. But I have personally traveled to heaven and I can tell you from experience that this is not how heaven is. Heaven is nothing like that. Heaven is, in fact, filled with blood oranges and these blood oranges are so delicious that you have to wonder what other heaven could possibly exist. There is only one heaven, and that is the blood orange heaven. This is the only possibly heaven that can exist in this universe, because nothing can possibly be more delicious than a blood orange. With this in mind, you can be sure that the only purpose of your life here on earth is to eat as many blood oranges as possibly and worship the god of blood oranges, Bloodinicus Oranginiculus, as much as humanly possible.
Note: Bloodinicus is a fictional character–This article is not meant to be taken too seriously 
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Bloodinicus Oranginiculus is a merciful god, but he has never allowed anyone who hasn’t eaten at least 1000 blood oranges in their life into his heaven. Either you are a true dedicated fan of blood oranges, or you are not. The fruit that leads into heaven wants you to eat it, so do your job and eat, eat, eat! Don’t stop eating a blood orange because someone is caling you on the phone. To do so is sinful.
Even if your arms should be nearly exhausted from peeling so many blood oranges and eating them, you must carry on. The great spirit inside of you is telling you to go on, and you must go on no matter how uncomfortable it gets. Even if you are lazy in every other moment of your life, there is a time to take action and eat blood oranges like the blood orange fan that you are. Let nothing stop you—be like a blood orange demon that devours every blood orange in sight. Go and find Blood Orange trees and eat the trees themselves if you have to do. You can always reincarnate as a blood orange if you somehow choke on a wooden splinter. Besides, reincarnating as a blood orange is the ultimate ecstasy in the entirety of existence. What else can you possibly want in this life but to be a blood orange, over and over? Imagine having your beautiful crimson insides eaten over and over—there is no greater orgasmic ecstasy that can be attained in this lifetime.
Entry Filed under: entertainment arts